Pop Culture

Letter to Naomi

Dear Naomi,

            I don't want to take up too much of your time. As one of Hollywood's brightest stars, you have more important things to do than read one of those newspaper articles written in letter form because some journalist is trying to be clever. Besides, you're on a high. Hollywood loves you, the critics love you, even the public loves you. You've stopped being known mainly as "Nicole's friend" as surely as she stopped being known mainly as "Tom's wife" a few years ago. And now, in 21 Grams, you finally have an Oscar nomination.

            Congratulations! An Academy Award is the logical career move for an actress of your calibre. It will put you on equal footing with Nicole, which will help to secure your friendship. Yes, I'm sure you two are still the dearest of friends -- but with showbiz superstars, friendship can be  delicate. Remember what happened to John Lennon and Paul McCartney?

            Unfortunately, it's not in the bag. You have some tough competition. Charlize Theron won the Golden Globe for Monster, and have you seen Keisha Castle-Hughes in Whale Rider? The kid is good! Next year, you'll need a game plan, to ensure that you're not only nominated, but you WIN. Here are some suggestions.

            1. BE LIKEABLE. So far, you're doing fine. Movie people like Australians, which is part of the reason why so many Aussies have won Oscars. Also, you and Nicole demonstrate that famous Aussie quality: mateship. (OK, the word is "friendship", but the PM calls it "mateship" -- don't ask.) Play on that. Everyone will like you even more. How do you think Tom Hanks won two Oscars in a row? Acting ability? Excuse me, did you see Forrest Gump? He was awful! But gee, he was likeable.

            2. PLAY ON YOUR NATIONALITY. Technically, you're an Anglo-Australian, but you consider yourself an Aussie. We're honoured. But Naomi, you're not taking it far enough! When you're interviewed, broaden your accent, the way Bryan Brown has been doing for so long. Why? Because it reminds the Academy, whenever you play an American, that you're not using your real accent. The Academy is impressed with anyone who changes their accent for a role. Of course, if you sound like everyone else in Hollywood (using mid-Atlantic tones, as you do so well), they'll probably assume that you're not using ANY accent. So perhaps you should take a role that require you to be a southerner, an Italian, a Jew. Anything, as long as you change your accent.

            3. WRITE LEFT-HANDED -- AND GET REAL. OK, this is a long shot, but three of the last four best actress winners (Hilary Swank, Julia Roberts and Nicole) were left-handed. What are the odds of that? All three of them also played real-life, historical figures, which probably helped. Indeed, almost every time an Australian actor has won an Oscar in the past decade, they have done it by playing a real person. The odds are in your favour, Naomi. Do a Marie Antoinette biopic -- and do it left-handed! With a French-Austrian accent. And be LIKEABLE!

            4. MARRY A TOP PRODUCER. Norma Shearer and Jennifer Jones are not remembered among Hollywood's great actresses. But they both won Oscars. How? Well, they were both married to powerful men: Shearer to MGM studio boss Irving Thalberg, Jones to super-producer David O. Selznick. Back in the golden age of Hollywood, those were two guys whom nobody wanted to upset.

            5. BE PATIENT. I know, you're 35 years old now, and you've been making films for 13 years. But most people in the Academy don't know that. Just keeping giving good performances. Eventually, they'll give you an Oscar out of guilt.

            Of course, you might win THIS time. In which case, you can ignore all of this, and marry whomever you like. Good luck!