Pop Culture

The Hanging judge

Limelight, Aug 2005

With the current problems of Australian film, many people are focusing on script development. Not such a bad idea. But what if Australia had used Hollywood script assessors 30 years ago?  The following assessment might have been returned.

Attn:  Cliff Green, playwright.

Dear Mr Green,

Thank you for letting me read your script, tentatively titled Picnic at Hanging Rock. 

Unfortunately, the script is a hard sell.  The characters are underdeveloped, their motivations are unclear, and there is no real resolution to the story.  Moreover, it can't really be pitched in a few words. 

I understand that your script is an adaptation of a novel.  I haven't read this novel, but if it is really this confusing, I suggest that you don't follow it too closely.  Remember that screenplays are a different art form.  You shouldn't feel too shy to change parts of the story if it makes it a stronger film.  Look at Anna Karenina.  Tolstoy's novel had her throwing herself under a train.  When MGM made the movie, they changed it slightly so that she found new life and a happy ending.  True, it was different, but how else could they have had Greta Garbo in the lead role?  Some changes are worth making.

Finally, what good is a mystery without a detective?  It doesn't need to be a professional detective, simply a hero figure who can investigate the disappearances.  Perhaps young Michael and his chauffeur, Albert, could play bigger roles.

Structure

At the moment, the structure is a mess.  I suggest you re-format it so that it has three acts.  For example:

Act 1: The girls vanish.  Michael investigates.

Act 2: Michael is threatened by someone (a new character) who doesn't want him to know what happened to the girls.  He finds Irma, but she can't remember anything.  Michael is kidnapped by a shadowy figure.

Act 3: Albert saves Michael.  They find out that Miranda was employed by a white slavery triad, drugging the others and leading them to a secret hideout on Hanging Rock.  Albert and Michael rescue them.

That's just a suggestion, of course.  Your script does not have to be exactly like this, though it would certainly make it more thrilling.

Major Characters

Miranda:  I don't get this character.  She seems to know in advance that she will disappear.  How?  She walks towards the rock, causing some of the other girls to follow her.  Why?  A character's goals and desires should be made clear.  Otherwise, how can we believe them?  This character should be fleshed out more, because she has potential, perhaps as a role for one of our rising young pop stars.  (Olivia Newton-John, perhaps?)

Irma:  Another character with the potential to attract the youth audience.  Unfortunately, she also needs to be more well-rounded.  Why did she follow Miranda to Hanging Rock?  What did she see there?  Most importantly, why did she lose her memory?  I think you should play more on her romance with Michael -- audiences will love that -- rather than making them break up for no good reason.  A romance would make some good light relief.

Michael: A good hero figure, but you haven't used him nearly enough.  Also, he's too stereotyped.  Do upper-class boys really talk like that?  I rather think not.

Albert:  He's a good comic relief character, and would also make a good partner for Michael -- like Holmes and Watson, or Butch and Sundance.  Once again, you do not use him to his full potential.

Mrs Appleyard:  An interesting character (if you happen to like old schoolmarms), but we see far too much of her when the film should really be focussing on the younger characters.

Other Weaknesses

It is essential that all movies follow a "hero's journey".  Who is the hero of your film?   Nobody really does anything exciting, apart from going missing.

You should also introduce some villains.  This should add extra tension.  If you reveal the kidnapper(s), perhaps they could be the villains.

Resolution

Let's get this straight: two suicides, a broken romance, three missing people, and a mystery that remains unsolved.  A bit of a downer, isn't it? 

Worse, there is no real resolution.  The audience is still left not knowing what has happened to the missing girls, even though one of them has been found.  As I said, don't try to be faithful to the book.  We're making movies here -- and audiences don't like to feel cheated.

Overall Comments

There is nothing in your script that cannot be improved with experience. Your theatre and television writing credits are impressive, but movies are written in a different way, and there are certain expectations that must be fulfilled.  With movies, you will not win respect by breaking the rules.

Good luck with future writing.