Movie Reviews

Father of the Bride

30 Jan 2002

The worst movie ever made? Though I've seen a few candidates, one film usually comes to mind. I saw it a few years before I became a film reviewer, and it showed me that reviewers can actually be useful members of society: warning the innocent public of awful movies. It still remains in my memory as a model of what Hollywood does wrong.

Worst of all, it really has no excuse. If a movie is called "Species II" or "Screwballs", or stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, you have adequate warning. However, "Father of the Bride" was a remake of a perfectly enjoyable 1950 film, in which Spencer Tracy gave a brilliant comic performance as a father, stubbornly refusing to accept that his daughter is getting married. (She was played by Elizabeth Taylor, so he presumably got used to it.)

The remake starred Steve Martin, comic genius, the man who has enlivened even so-so movies like "Three Amigos" with his wonderful madness. It couldn't fail.

But somehow it did. Badly. The husband-wife writing team - director Charles Shyer and Nancy Meyers - immersed the script in schmaltz, as well as awful dialogue about the virtues of marriage. Were they using it as therapy? Whatever the case, it's the sort of fantasy that we see too often at the movies.

So what made it stand out? Just a few things, which still linger in the memory...

1. Annie (Kimberly Williams), aged 22, reveals to her parents that she's marrying Bryan (so there), whom she's only known for a few months. She then describes him (at length) like a high-school crush. Who can blame her father George (Steve Martin, of course) for expressing concern? But I was supposed to laugh at how silly he is. What was the problem? He couldn't get romantic about a doomed marriage? His wife Nina (Diane Keaton at her most annoying) was supposed to be the sane one - even though (after one meeting with her future son-in-law) she comes up with lines like "This is the right guy. I feel it in my bones." This is a rational person talking?

2. George protests when they invite 572 guests (how could they know so many people?) and he is told that it will cost $250.00 a head for the reception. That's $143,000, altogether. But when he tries to budget, his spoilt brat of a daughter starts blubbering.

Engaged to this moaner, you would feel sorry for Bryan (George Newbern, whoever he is), except he isn't real. He is wholesome, perfect and extremely wealthy. Ditto his parents. Next to such saints, George is presumably supposed to look nutty. Instead I was left thinking that, if he does go crazy, fair enough, he can borrow my axe.

Nina handles his budget concerns with a patronising lecture about acting his age. (Look, Keaton is truly annoying.) One is left thinking that film-makers no longer have any concept of money. For someone like George, who doesn't work in Hollywood, $143,000 is a grand sum. But Nina scolds him: "We don't go to Europe, we don't own fancy cars, I don't own expensive jewellery, so we can afford to have a big wedding." Sorry for interrupting, Nina, but if you can afford this reception, you should really visit Europe some time.

3. The old "evoking affection by playing sixties pop songs" trick. It comes in handy when the script-writers can't be bothered writing those tough, emotional scenes. George and Annie shoot some baskets to the Temptations' "My Girl". George lies in bed, as we see flashbacks of Annie's childhood (and basket-shooting), to Darlene Love's "The Boy I'm Gonna Marry". This made me realise why film critics are so cynical.

4. The dumbest scene of all. During the wedding reception, a policeman tells George that he has no permit for 200 cars on the street, so he has half an hour to move them. He doesn't want to disturb the guests, but fortunately he sees his young son and one of his classmates, smiling precociously. In the next moments, he and the boys move the cars off the street.

OK, so even if they could break into and quickly hot-wire all the cars, even if two 10-year-olds can drive perfectly (with a policeman close by), how does everyone manage to find their relocated cars at the end of the night, while George sleeps? With so many aspiring screenwriters trying to break in, it's shocking to see that such a sloppy script not only made it to the production stage, but was retained for the final release. Did nobody at any stage (cast, crew, anyone) ever notice that it didn't work? Not even as comedy?

But then, "Father of the Bride" was total, utter fantasy, disguised as something else. Realistically, the sequel would have been titled "Father of the Divorcee". Instead, it was imaginatively called "Father of the Bride Part 2".

I never saw this. The only thing worse than a bad film is a sequel to a bad film.