The Canberra Times - Mark Juddery column

two sides to a story

April 23, 2007

“Balanced reporting” has become a mantra for the Australian media, and the ABC has even employed someone to ensure balance in its news and current affairs. Unfortunately, all these attempts to achieve balance are made more challenging by those who have trouble seeing the good side to certain things and people.

Perhaps we should take a leaf from our history, which has also become more balanced in recent months. If you’re having trouble portraying something in a positive light, the following examples might help…

Adolf Hitler: Concerned with his health, he often followed his doctor’s instructions and went on a vegetarian diet. You will notice that he never suffered from obesity, which makes him a good role model for children. He was also anti-smoking, anti-alcohol, and a lover of opera and classical music. The youth of today should follow his lead! Also, before he moved into Poland, he was immensely popular among his countrymen – and if the majority liked him, he must have been doing a great job. You can’t argue with the people!

Attila the Hun: Everyone always focuses on the destruction his armies caused. Did it ever occur to anyone that, if he hadn’t looted and pillaged much of Europe, these nations could have caused endless trouble? History shows that Western Europeans can be rather violent at times. Attila was merely making pre-emptive strikes, for the long-term future of the Hunnic people! He deserves a peace prize.

Asbestos: It employed thousands of people and generated a lot of money for the economy. Really, it’s a shame we don’t use it any more.

The Flat Earth Society: It’s refreshing that some people have a healthy scepticism for the accepted theories peddled by scientists and other people with an agenda. Alternative thinkers are exactly what makes the world go round… or whatever shape it is. Think of all the opportunities we are missing because we base our entire economy on the zealotry and fanaticism of scientists and progressives who still insist that the world is round. So the round-Earthers claim to have proof? Oh, the things you can do with statistics and scientific “evidence”! Perhaps it’s time we stopped listening to extremist scientists and grandstanding politicians, and treated the Earth like it was flat!

The Ku Klux Klan: How much trouble has this group really caused over the years? That’s right – plenty! It is proof of what people can accomplish if they work together.

Lex Luthor: Intelligence and resourcefulness are undervalued in society, and a man who is able to not only invent Kryptonite shields and killer machines, but also build them, should be lauded for his efforts. And why does he do it? Mostly to combat an illegal immigrant – and a very powerful one at that! Mr Luthor deserves more government funding.

Ivan Milat: They say he was mad, but they say that about every mass-murderer. They also said that Galileo and Charles Darwin were mad! Doesn’t that prove something?

Emperor Nero: He might have been deranged, but he was also an Olympic gold medallist, which makes him a true hero! (Of course, if you were in a chariot race against Nero, would you let him lose?) Moreover, according to the famous story, he played the fiddle while Rome burned – even though the violin wouldn’t be invented for another 1,600 years. If this is true, he was a man well ahead of his time, a true innovator! And if you can’t understand how any man could kill his mother and his first wife, it proves that he is still misunderstood.

Daleks: As any Doctor Who fan could tell you, their plan is to wipe out and subjugate every single race in the universe. This proves that they don’t suffer from prejudice or racial discrimination. And they still keep trying to achieve their ambitious goal, even though the Doctor continues to defeat them. This demonstrates the inspiring adage: Never give up!

Dying of thirst: Admittedly, this has its negative side. It’s painful, tortuous and ultimately fatal. But at least it’s better than drinking recycled water! Yuck-o!

See? There are two sides to every story. Let’s hope we have more of this balanced reportage from now on.