The Canberra Times - Mark Juddery column

Things to do before i die

June 4 , 2007

I’ve had an urge recently to do something. Anything, really, as long as it’s essential. After searching the internet, I found one of those lists of 100 Things That You Should Do Before You Die (and I would have to agree, that is usually the best time to do something).

            Of course, you probably already have a list of countless things that you must do one of these days. (Vacuuming my room is still somewhere on my list. No hurry, though.) There’s a book in my personal library called “1000 Films You Must See Before You Die”. Though I’m a movie buff, and I write about movies, I have seen a shamefully low percentage of the films in that book – and what’s more, I don’t care. I’d rather watch the conspicuously absent Muriel’s Wedding yet again, and I’m sure that I can still die contentedly if I suddenly realise, with my dying breath, that I never got ’round to watching Salo.

            But 100 things to do? That’s slightly less overwhelming than tracking down 1000 flicks. The “things” list had many of the usual suggestions: “grow a beard for at least a month”, “skydive”, “lose all your money at roulette in Vegas”. What??!! How crazy do these people think I am? “GROW A BEARD FOR A MONTH”? OK, that might happen, if it ever becomes fashionable again – but even then, I doubt it. I’ve never been as fashionable as, say, Megan Gale. (I’m sure she'd grow a beard.)

            Fortunately, I’ve already done a few things on that list. “Be a member of the audience in a TV show.” Check. “Spend New Year's in an exotic location.” Check. (Well, maybe. Does Adelaide count?) “Make a complete and utter fool of yourself.” Er… yes, thanks for reminding me.

            My final score: 29. OK, that’s a start, but unless someone discovers immortality soon, I’m pretty sure that I’ve lived more than 29/100 of my life. I have to do some of the other things on the checklist – starting today! What could I do during my lunch break? “Drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring”. Good idea, except I don’t have a convertible. Bummer!

            Then I saw #98: “Run a marathon.” Happily, I’ve done that – 10 times. Perhaps I can use some of those marathons to replace some of the other things on the list that – due to my vegetarianism, lack of capacity, or just plain good taste – I can never do. “Go deep sea fishing and eat your catch”? No thanks, I’ll run another marathon. “Buy a house”? Marathon! This would also be a brilliant alternative to such dumb suggestions as #23: “Send a message in a bottle.”

            The only times I’ve ever done that, when I was barely old enough to write, the message was “No milk tonight.” Nowadays, there is no good reason to do this. Firstly, you would only do it if you were stranded on a desert island – something I don’t intend to be. Secondly, even if you’re silly enough to throw your bottle out to sea, you have perhaps one chance in 23 zillion that anyone will ever see it. Even then, they probably won’t do anything about it.

            I decided to find something less ridiculous to do, and scribbled down a list of “Things to do that are less ridiculous than sending a message in a bottle”:

1. Meet Russell Crowe after a movie premiere and tell him his movie sucked, just like his music.
2. Work your entire life for a pittance.
3. Watch an all-night Adam Sandler film festival on Foxtel, making sure that you remain awake through the entire broadcast of “Big Daddy”.
4. Go to see the bulls in Pamplona and once they are released, stand there casually, allowing everyone else to run past you (or if you prefer, over you).
5. Kiss a complete stranger on a crowded bus, preferably one who is the same gender as yourself.
6. Climb Mount Everest without telling anyone.

            My list stopped there, because I realised that I was wasting time I could spend going hot-air ballooning, or rafting through the Grand Canyon. Sorry, no time to chat. Things to do!