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Letter to Steve Irwin

NOTE: This was written for my regular space on the Box Office page of The Canberra Times, in July 2004. It was never published because it was deemed overly political. (I was told to keep politics out of movie writing - a very difficult task around the time that Fahrenheit 911 was released and Hollywood stars were becoming highly politicised.) Moreover, despite that one film he made, Steve wasn't really a movie star. Nonetheless, I felt like writing to him...

Dear Stevo,

            I'll try to be brief. You don't like mincing words. Besides, it seems clear that you don't spend much time reading newspapers... but more on that later.

            I'd like to discuss your recent problem with the Australian Antarctic Division, which is investigating you for (allegedly) clowning around with whales and penguins while you were filming in Antarctica. You believe that you did nothing illegal, and that you have "the biggest enemies in the world."

            Of course, you said similar things in January, when they complained about you feeding crocodiles while holding your baby son. (Sorry, Stevo, you can't blame your critics for that one.) But this time, you might have a point. Some people could be out for blood.

            But why? You are one of the more likeable people ever to grace anyone's television screen. Frankly, your success was due to you being a likeable, sincere, genuine kind of bloke. Aussies love that kind of real, no-nonsense fella. So does everyone else.

            Most American stars aren't so real. They never have been. John Wayne was unfit to serve in World War II, but stayed home to play heroic soldiers in the movies. Rock Hudson was a real ladies' man on-screen, but in reality, he preferred blokes. Aussie film stars, however, have always been fair dinkum. Reg "Snowy" Baker really WAS an action man (an Olympic medallist, no less). Chips Rafferty really WAS a true-blue Aussie bushman (and serviceman). Errol Flynn really was a ladies' man. Russell Crowe really is a hard man. Cate Blanchett really is... a chameleon. Well, you know what it's like with sheilas. You can't pin 'em down!

            When you made your film debut in The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course (2002), you seemed to join the long tradition of Aussie movie stars whose images were their true selves. A real-life conservationist, as dinki-di Aussie as they come (though I don't know anyone who says "Crikey!" as much as you do). You were a real "wildlife warrior" (your words, not mine), a pin-up for the conservation movement.

            But then you made a terrible mistake -- and it wasn't the baby incident. Three months before that, you had extolled Prime Minister Howard to the skies, calling him "the greatest leader Australia has ever had and the greatest leader in the world". I don't begrudge you that opinion -- but Stevo, your career, your image has been based on your concern for the environment. This is not the place to list Howard's anti-environment policies, but let's just say that his Green credentials are sadly lacking. If you think he's wonderful (though you've never really explained why), perhaps you, of all people, should have kept it to yourself.

            But did you? No, you buried yourself even deeper! When President Bush visited Australia, the two of you got on like a house of fire. He seemed to be a fan of yours. You can bet it was your friendly manner and your way with animals that has won him over. It certainly wasn't your concern for the environment, because based on his policies, he has little time for that.

            So which pollies DON'T you like, Stevo? Ah yes... Dr Bob Brown! After he spoke out against your mate Bush, using the only opportunity available to him in Bush's presence, your comments were rather harsh. Steve, mate, he's a conservationist like yourself! Aren't you on the same side?

            That's the question. You were a hero of the Green movement, above the crummy world of politics. Now they're not sure they can trust you. Even your conservative fans are disappointed. What appealed to them was your sincerity. Now that you've taken a political stance, you seem to be either ignorant or (even worse) dishonest.

            When your movie was released, you said you and your wife Terri would never be film stars. "We didn’t really act in this movie," you said, "and we’re not Hollywood actors."

            At the time, I believed you... but right now, I'm not convinced. Being messed around is bad enough, Stevo, but Aussies REALLY hate being conned. If anyone has "a huge vendetta" against you, as you suggest, it's probably someone who feels betrayed.