The Canberra Times - Mark Juddery column

The Heroes of Our Times

April 9, 2007

While watching the recent world swimming championships, one was struck by the wisdom of the commentators. Was it my imagination, or did I really hear comments like “Not only is Libby Lenton a gold medalist, but she’s a champion as well”? And “If Grant Hackett can’t win, at least someone else can.” Ah, they were in great form!

Sorry? What do you mean “What swimming championships?” Have you forgotten them already?

OK, what about the swimming races at the 2000 Sydney Olympics? Ah, bet you haven’t forgotten that! Thorpie, Susie, Klimmo, Kieren... These people weren’t just heroes. They were superheroes! Like any self-respecting superhero, they had skintight costumes, superhuman abilities... and the way we cheered them on, you'd think they were saving the world. Who needed Superman when we had Superfish? Who needed the Flash when we had Thorpedo? Who needed Spider-Woman when we had Madam Butterfly?

Our swimming team was a veritable Justice League of Australia. The current swim team, good as they are, somehow don’t have the same magic. The only widely circulated nickname now, it seems, is “Lethal Leisel” (the baby of that immortal Sydney Olympics team), which makes her sound more like a sinister old woman who laces your food with cyanide.

The Sydney Olympics gave us enough superheroes for a line of comic books. It wasn’t just the swimmers. Who needed the Fantastic Four when we had the Oarsome Foursome? Who needed the Mighty Avengers when we had the Mighty Hockeyroos? (Sadly, the Hockeyroos stopped being “mighty” after that.)

Can it be that we have toned down our fanatical enthusiasm for the sportspeople who represent Australia? Does anyone now inspire the nation nearly as much as our brightest lights of a mere seven years ago? Can any of these cricketers ever inspire us like Shane Warne? Will any athlete excite us like Cathy (or even Tatiana)?

Perhaps today’s sporting champions can learn something from the superheroes of the (none-too-distant) past, from both Australia and elsewhere…

THE GOVERNATOR
Secret identity: Arnold Schwarzenegger, wealthy playboy
Super-powers: Not only is he super-strong and built like a tank, but Arnie also has the power to bend reality and make the impossible happen. You'll believe that a not-especially-handsome guy with no acting ability can become an A-list film star! Watch him pull in a $60 million salary for one film, despite making flop after flop! Watch him somehow become Governor of California!
Arch-nemesis: The dastardly Critics tear him apart, but he always wins in the end... at the box office. And when that fails, he enters politics.

SUPERGIRL
Secret identity: Cathy Freeman, TV personality
Super-powers: She runs at super-speed, but Our Cathy's greatest power is mind control. One look in her eyes, and few can resist falling hopelessly in love. She can reduce a whole nation of people to mindless hysterics when she runs, and fill the hearts of her foes with such fear that they go running back to France.
Arch-nemesis: The devious Prime-Minister-Man, plotting to travel back in time so that Cathy's family history never happened.

MR FANTASTIC
Secret identity: Michael Jordan, businessman
Powers: Faster than a speeding ball! Able to leap tall hoops in a single bound! Capable of returning from the dead like Lazarus (and most other superheroes)! And best of all, MJ can tap into the cosmic powers of his magical Nike-stone, giving him the power to make endless amounts of money appear from nowhere.
Arch-nemesis: See MJ battle his Conscience, as Chinese sweatshop workers continue to suffer to maintain the power of the Nike-stone. Will our hero ever submit to his Conscience? (Yeah, right...)

THE INVISIBLE WOMAN
Secret identity: Jelena Dokic, apparently a tennis player
Powers: She used to be visible, everywhere from the Olympic podium to the gossip pages. But a fatal visit to her family home changed all that. Marvel at how a young woman can vanish before your very eyes, and change her allegiances at the speed of light...
Arch-nemesis: Once they were allies, but now her father, the mad Baron Dokic, is ready to treat her the same way he treats everyone else. In the spirit of Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader comes an inter-generational clash you'll never forget!