The Canberra Times - Mark Juddery column

dangerous vego radicals

April 30, 2007

OK, that’s it! Seventeen years ago, concerned with the shape of the world’s environment (yes, truly), I decided to become a vegetarian. Since then, I’ve been interrogated by meat-eaters at several dinner parties about why I won’t eat the meat. They start with “So why are you vegetarian?” and continue from there. Another vegetarian I knew, the editor of a major news magazine (not some grass-roots hippie journal, as you might expect), once even suggested to me that people feel threatened by vegetarianism, because it makes too much sense.

Whether or not that’s true, I’d still rather talk about something new at the next dinner party I attend, like “When is Britney’s hair likely to grow back?” or “Why exactly is Sienna Miller famous?” So for those meat-eaters who haven’t yet dined with me, here are my stock answers to the usual comments…

It must be boring being a vegetarian.

True, there are some boring things about being a vegetarian – most notably, the number of people who come up with that line. But the idea that vegetarians only eat salad and nuts can easily be debunked by the number of vegetarian restaurants in any major Western city (even Canberra has a few), not to mention the number of lofty vegetarian cookbooks that fill the shelf above the fridge, so that I can actually use a recipe from one every three or four months.

Don’t you think plants scream when you pull them out of the ground?

It’s tempting to say something smart-alecky (“Why, no. Do you hear them scream? Are the plants your friends?”), but perhaps it’s better to simply point out that livestock is fed on grains. According to some estimates, it takes 10 kilos of grain to feed one kilo of beef. If you’re worried about plant cruelty, you should avoid animal farming.

You need meat to survive!

Actually, billions of people survive without meat. Meat is only one possible source of protein. A vegetarian diet needs to be balanced, of course – but then, as many people forget, so does any other diet. If you think that vegetarians are weak and scrawny, I can pull out one of the most terrible weapons of a vegetarians’ arsenal: boring everyone silly with a list of famous vegos. In this case, tough athletes: Bill Pearl (former Mr Universe), Murray Rose, Natalie Imbruglia, Killer Kowalski… (Hang on… Natalie Imbruglia?)

If you were in the middle of a desert, and there was nothing there except a rabbit, wouldn’t you kill it and eat it?

Someone actually used that argument with me (and quite heatedly, as well). It seems to show that, when people feel passionate enough about something (like, umm, food), they resort to very strange debates. The obvious answer is that, if I ever found myself in that terrible situation, I would possibly eat the rabbit… especially if someone was kind enough to provide me with cooking facilities. Fortunately, I’ve never been in that situation – and neither has the lady who envisioned it, which made me think “Does she have a problem with rabbits?”

Hitler was a vegetarian!

A few people have said this, using it to debunk any assumption that vegetarians are peaceful, healthy and morally committed. Still, it falls flat – unless they think that a few extra beef burgers each week would have prevented Hitler from invading Poland.

But there’s another problem with the argument: It’s not true! Hitler often went on a vegetarian diet under medical advice, as he suffered from gastric problems. Primarily, however, he was not against eating meat. His biographers have mentioned the Fuhrer’s fondness for Bavarian sausages, ham, liver, game, pig’s knuckles and (according to his chef) stuffed pigeons. In fact, Hitler saw vegetarians as dangerously radical. German vegetarian societies were declared illegal soon after he came to power, forcing them to meet as secret underground societies, which is terribly exciting. The Gestapo would raid the homes of prominent vegetarians, confiscating books containing non-meat recipes. (Had I been there, I would no doubt have felt oppressed… every three or four months.)

Natalie Imbruglia?

Sorry, I just felt like mentioning her. She’s a vegetarian, don’t you know?