The Canberra Times - Mark Juddery column

Bjorn to be a mystery

May 21, 2007

Interesting to see that Bjorn Lomborg has re-entered the global warming debate, if only to put in his two cents rather than keep the meter running for hours like he used to. Climate change doubters haven’t been so cool lately, of course, so Lomborg has kept uncharacteristically quiet for the past couple of years.

            For those who don’t remember, Bjorn Lomborg was the greenie from Central Casting: a vegetarian, hung around in native forests, cycled everywhere rather than driving a gas-guzzling car. He was even openly gay, which proved his left-wing credentials. But despite all that, he doubted the greenhouse effect, and didn’t think we should worry about it. His 2001 book “The Skeptical Environmentalist” excited many conservative commentators, who saw it as proof that global warming was a crock (in much the same way that they agree with Keith Windschuttle about Australian history, even though most historians don’t). The number one expert in any field, of course, is the one who most agrees with you.

              Greenpeace rejected a few of Lomborg’s claims, as you’d expect – like the claim that he was a member. (He wasn’t on their books.) Then there was the claim that he was actually, like, Green. However “sceptical” they might be, true environmentalists don’t say “To Hell with it, let’s develop!” They say things like “Let’s tread carefully, just in case.” Well, he sure broke THAT mould.

            Unless – and here’s my favourite theory – Bjorn Lomborg doesn’t really exist.

            It’s the only thing that makes sense! He was probably invented by big business. If this charismatic, good-looking stereotype didn’t consider global warming a problem, then who could possibly argue?

            No offence to Mr Lomborg (though he’s probably fictitious, so none taken). Some of the greatest celebrities of recent years, after fooling so many people, have proven to be make-believe: Borat, Kenny, Lonelygirl15… Tailor-made celebrities.

            In fact, I’m convinced that many celebrities don’t actually exist. Look at the evidence…

            Delta Goodrem: It’s all too much! Not only is she tall and gorgeous, not only did she star in “Neighbours”, but she can actually SING – and unlike most other Ramsay Street pop stars, she writes her own songs, accompanying herself on the piano! So she’s lovely and talented. If that wasn’t enough, we were informed that she was a gifted athlete at school, so she would probably be winning Olympic medals if she didn’t win the “Neighbours” gig. So she’s lovely, talented and sporty. And charitable. And heroic. Yes, as well as being a renaissance woman, she’s a brave cancer sufferer. Happily, she has now recovered. She probably discovered the cure herself, in between writing a Pullitzer Prize-winning novel and starting up a BRW 500 cosmetics empire.
            No 22-year-old could be so brilliant. It’s too ridiculous – and what’s more, it’s not fair! I imagine she was simply created by a fiendish marketing team so that young women would have someone to worship. They even gave her a celebrity private life, including a romance with a highly-strung sports star (hey, it worked for Bec Hewitt). Doubtless, she doesn’t exist, and the “Delta” who makes the public appearances is an actor. (Of course, that’s something else she can do. Yeesh!)

            Jenny Macklin: Hard to believe that she was deputy to three successive opposition leaders! For a frontbencher, she was resoundingly quiet. For a deputy opposition leader, she was unbelievable. Can anyone recognise her voice? Can anyone name her electorate? What about her party? Of course, she was a perfect deputy for three good reasons: 1) she was a woman, allegedly appeasing half the voters; 2) she kept quiet; and… 3) Umm… OK, two reasons. Two excellent reasons. She was the perfect deputy. Almost too perfect…

            Youth Group: Why does the video to “Forever Young”, by this band with a suspiciously generic name, consist entirely of 30-year-old archival footage? Where’s the band itself? Could it be another fictitious band, in the tradition of the Archies and Gorillaz, invented purely to sell records? Of course, Youth Group performed on “Sunrise” and at the ARIA Awards – and revealed that, lo and behold, they were reasonably photogenic. Oh, VERY convenient! Can anyone say “Milli Vanilli”?

            Bill Heffernan: OK, this guy MIGHT be real. Hopefully not, though.