The Canberra Times - Mark Juddery column
24: the real edition
May 28, 2007
We are nearing the end of another season of “24”, that addictive thriller series in which an entire season of action takes place in “real time” over a 24-hour period. After five seasons… well, it’s all wearing a bit thin. It was never realistic or believable, but how ridiculous can it get? Why does every single terrorist want to blow up Los Angeles? Don’t they know any other cities? Can any character (apart from super-spy Jack Bauer) last more than about three seasons on this show without dying violently?
With the recent news of yet another season, perhaps it’s time the terrorists targeted another world-class city, just to be fair. With this in mind, I sent the producers a suggested synopsis for the next series, with a new locale and – this is important – MORE REALISM. It goes something like this…
08:00 – 09:00: Having retired to Gosford, Jack gets a special call from the Prime Minister, saying that according to irrefutable intelligence, terrorists are about to attack the Sydney Opera House. Jack drops everything to drive to Sydney… and keeps driving for the rest of the hour.
09:00 – 10:00: He drives for another hour through Sydney traffic. Has angst-ridden conversations with himself about how he should have taken the train. Realises that the train would probably be late anyway.
10:00 – 11:00: While trying to negotiate his way through the inner-city traffic, Jack sees a bad guy waiting at a café near Circular Quay. He tries to leap out and save the day, but there’s nowhere to park. He longs for the easy traffic and parking of LA.
11:00 – 12:00: Jack finally finds a space in a multi-storey carpark, then goes to the bad guy, who is fortunately still waiting for his coffee to be served.
At this point, I realised that, in the real world, “real time” is rather dull. I decided to change direction, cramming in as much as possible so that each episode can be as eventful as “All Saints”.
12:00 – 13:00: Jack defeats the bad guy, defuses the bomb and saves the world, but two popular characters are killed tragically.
13:00 – 14:00: Jack saves a girl, they fall in love, and she helps him find the REALLY bad guy. Jack prepares to torture the REALLY bad guy for information, but he reveals everything. Jack tortures him anyway because he’s gone to all the trouble of putting together his torturing kit.
14:00 – 15:00: Jack and the girl thwart the REALLY bad guy’s scheme to destroy freedom or whatever he’s doing. Jack proposes to the girl. She accepts, provided they urgently get married within the next hour.
15:00 – 16:00: At the wedding, the terrorists invade, kidnapping Jack’s daughter Kim and taking her to the REALLY, REALLY Bad Guy. Two popular characters are killed tragically.
16:00 – 17:00: On their honeymoon, Jack and his new wife go after the REALLY, REALLY Bad Guy. Jack’s wife is killed tragically. Jack kills the REALLY, REALLY Bad Guy, but discovers that he was working for the REALLY, REALLY, REEEEEALLY Bad Guy.
17:00 – 18:00: At Jack’s wife’s funeral, a bunch of terrorists kidnap Jack’s daughter Kim, taking her to the REALLY, REALLY, REEEEEALLY Bad Guy. In a rage, Jack kills two popular characters.
18:00 – 19:00: There is only one popular character left, so Jack asks her for the time. She won’t tell him, so he tortures her to get the information. He then boards a plane to LA to get some replacement popular characters.
19:00 – 20:00: Jack arrives in LA (where, due to time differences, he didn’t lose any time), and gathers another group of popular characters. They are all killed by the REALLY, REALLY, REEEEEALLY Bad Guy.
At this point, I realised that I was getting away from the realism, so I started being gritty again.
20:00 – 21:00: After an exhausting day, Jack collapses due to lack of food.
22:00 – 23:00: Jack decides that he should go eat something. He can’t remember where he left his car keys, so he tortures himself to get the information. Meanwhile, the REALLY, REALLY, REEEEEALLY Bad Guy… gets some sleep.
And on and on and on it goes…
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